I wrote this last week at 2 in the morning. I'd like some feedback on it, but if you feel yourself tempted to just say, "It sucks", I'd really appreciate if you could explain why. Or, just enjoy it. Thanks.
I wouldn’t
I wouldn’t mourn me
All shriveled up and gray
Empty and gone in some hospital bed
I wouldn’t guide me
All demented and lost
Confused and scared in a world I don’t know
I wouldn’t help me
All facedown and filthy
Choking and drowning in my own habit in a gutter
I wouldn’t trust me
All hood up and long strides
Walking slow and alone at two o’clock in the morning
I wouldn’t like me
All straight A’s and straight-laced
Too stiff and right to know how it feels to screw up
I wouldn’t notice me
All big glasses and small voice
Lost in the crowd I’m trying to fit into
I wouldn’t mind me
All dirty cheeks and brand new sled
Eating Christmas morning candy on Christmas afternoon
I wouldn’t take my eyes off me
All new and soft
Warm and delicate in blue blankets
I wouldn’t
I find it to be really interesting and insightful. There's lots of feelings in this sucker. I like the repetition of the "I wouldn't" but I don't like that it's the title...weird, I know, but the title is the one thing I would change right now.
ReplyDeleteHey Takota,
ReplyDeleteSo, I really like this. I like the pattern you chose to use, it has nice rhythm, I think. I also like how many different image it creates. The title is a little lacking, just because the poem itself says so much and I feel like the title doesn't do it justice. Another thing I really appreciated, the reversal of time. Most people would go from beginning to end, but you go from end to beginning. Well done!
So, I've had several deaths amongst my family and friends, and one especially recently, and it's given me excuse to mull over with those close to me the concept of death, etc. To put it briefly, we've thought a lot about how death is so similar to birth: how at death, it's as if this world is the womb, and we are being born out of it into eternal life.
ReplyDeleteThis is all to say that I find your title intriguing. You end with those words just after describing a newborn. It may be coincidence in that the title is placed where it generally is, but it fits as a thought-provoking parallel in context of the "birth" idea as you begin your poem with a picture of a dead person.
Did that make any sense?
I'm astonished by how powerful your writing is, and very, very jealous you can crank it out at two in the morning. There isn't a whole lot that I can add to this that the others haven't said above, but I like how each of these is some kind of story, just barely hinted at before moving on.
ReplyDeleteIt's like I want it to slow down. But time waits for no one, and neither does your poem. Nice.
I love this poem. I love its movement and narrative. I think it is very insightful, and I appreciate how the words roll off the tongue. I am astounded at each seperate image you construct for us. From Death to birth to christmas to the straight A kid...Takota, your writing never ceases to amaze me. Thanks so much for sharing.
ReplyDelete